Change of Plans

Twas the eve before chemo and all through the night,
Not a creature was stirring as I thought through my life.
My clothes were laid out on the dresser with care,
In hopes that tomorrow I would be feeling less fear.

The children were nestled snug in their beds,
They don’t know what tomorrow brings for their mom and their dad.
We will drop them at daycare on our way in,
They’ll be making crafts with macaroni when my treatment begins.

While she softly breathes, periodically stroking my back;
I pretend to be sleeping, so she can relax.
Till death due us part was the promise we made,
I pray that the time to make due is still far away.

When I’m sure she’s out cold,
I slide out of bed.
There is no way I can sleep,
While these thoughts pound through my head.
How can she be so strong and so sure;
With no room for despair or for doubt?
How can she be so calm and so clear;
When I want to scream and cry out?!

I creep down the stairs,
Finding sanctuary in memories.
Searching the crevices of my mind;
Each year forms my lifes treasury.
My heart is heavy,
Tears flow easy and I fall to my knees.
Caressing each moment,
That my heart had felt free.

Our first date and phone call a couple days after,
I didn’t want her to think I was too anxious to see her.
Our second date went better than planned,
I went in for a goodnight hug and then kissed her instead.

Days turned to weeks, months and then years;
I asked her to marry me and she broke out in tears.
Plans, decisions, and money flew out the door;
But it was one heck of a party with friends and family galore.

She wanted a puppy first, but I wanted to start having kids;
She was right of course,
She usually is.
In less than a year we had our daughter;
The sun, moon and stars to her father.

In two year’s God’s blessings continued to flow,
Our son brought with him more love then we could have imagined to know.
These two little lives make every injection worth while,
I will give thanks for each moment and embrace each vial.

By this time tomorrow the hard part will be over,
The nurses job will be done and the pump will takeover.
The kids know to be gentle when daddy wears his fanny pack,
But once I take it off they’ll be on the attack.

Tickles, zerberts, bear hugs, and butterfly kisses will be due.
Once we disconnect my pump,
Sheer chaos will ensue.
They’ll get a head start,
Hiding under the bed.
As quick as they are,
They can’t yet out run their dad.

Oh the laughs and the joy,
That will fill my heart and our home.
In seventy-two hours,
I can breath easy and know.
As we love our children,
And desire to keep them from harm.
I am not alone in my suffering,
Wrapped in my Father’s arms.

With my soul at ease,
I crawl back up to bed.
Slowly sneak under the covers,
And kiss my wife’s head.
Soon I will be lulled off to sleep,
As her soft breath draws me near.
Snuggled up against her back,
No longer haunted by fear.